


No reason to hold on is a good reason to let go

by Havokftw



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, FANAA - Freeform, Fluff, JICHEOLDAY, JICHEOLFICFEST, Jicheol, M/M, No Smut, SOEMOLOL, YA'ABURNEE, betweenyouandme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-23 07:36:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8319379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Havokftw/pseuds/Havokftw
Summary: A failing bond and its resurrection.Sorry, shit summary XD





	

**Author's Note:**

> So my prompts were SUPER EMO.....Yeah...why did I choose these. Lol  
> FANAA: Destruction of the self "destroyed in love"  
> YA'ABURNEE: the hope that you will die before your love because you cannot live without them "You bury me"
> 
> I think I overlapped these a little....maybe you will notice. I actually think they might not be vivid enough in the story, I feel like I have not hit on them enough but it's difficult....dunno.  
> Anyway! Happy Jicheol day!

Because it’s what the fans wanted at the time. They played on it. The brotherhood, the friendship, the skinship, the _bond_. But it was all artificial. Now you have to learn to function without him. That’s what he keep’s telling himself. Because it’s easier to pretend that nothing was real and wholesome between them, then to ever admit there was something there growing and living that neither of them could repair.

The hardest thing to explain is the glaringly evident tension that develops after they sever that ‘bond’, the tension which everybody has decided not to see, because that too, is easier. And when you’re performing day in day out, promotion after promotion, one come-back after another, everyone just wants an easy life. And who was Jihoon to deny them that.

Jihoon always liked people who were straight up about their problems. If they didn’t like something he said, or how he behaved, he appreciated it when someone would stop beating around the bush and told him how it was. That being said it still knocked him sideways when Seungcheol adopted that tactic during filming one day. Jihoon _knew_ his behaviour was less than acceptable but he was under immense stress and something had to give. So why was it so hard to accept what Seungcheol was telling him?

Pleasantries and niceties had a time and place, usually in front of the cameras, but in the rare moments of privacy they were gifted outside of their hectic schedules, it was frankly unnecessary to keep up the charade. Surely nobody expected them to love each other unconditionally all the time. Disputes, anger and resentment where to be expected amongst a group of growing boys who lived out of each other’s pockets and breathed one another’s air for months on end. Naturally the air would foul after some time, and in Seungcheol’s case, the air between them had turned poisonous.

“Ji-Cheol!” the occasional fan would scream out. “Hug!” they would request. Begrudgingly, they would relent.

“Let’s get this over with yeah” Seungcheol mutters quietly, under his breath as he sidles up next to Jihoon on stage.

“Yeah….ok” Jihoon replies, jaw tense. Allowing the older boy to dip down and hug him, strained smiles and stilted postures.

“Jeong-Cheol!” They request next, and Seungcheol’s body language immediately lifts. He dashes to the other end of the stage for a shameless display of affection with the other group member.

_He can’t stand to be near me….._

A Q+A session followed shortly after, with questions buzzing back and forth between the fans and their idols and Jihoon was deep in thought when the microphone was handed over to him, he had failed to hear the question directed at him and blushed vigorously when all eyes landed on him

“Uhm, sorry, could you repeat the question please” He asked timidly.

“How can you write such beautiful songs about love without ever having been in a relationship?” A female fan asked him, quickly returning to her seat after it was posed.

It’s a simple question, one he’s been posed countless times and they’ve even had training from Pledis on how to answer appropriately. But that lapse in concentration, that momentary numbness in the reflexive part of his psyche allowed him to truly search for the answer.

Then it hit him-with mind numbing clarity. His breath hitched-he panicked briefly with realization, knuckles blanching as he squeezed the microphone in a death grip.

Finally his training caught up with him- and he recited a rehearsed and acceptable answer “I write it about the Carats of course”.

……………………………………………………..

Seungcheol thinks it’s sad. Each time he tries to pick up a conversation with Jihoon, he doesn’t seem to make much of an effort in return. The gesture, or lack thereof just pushes him further away to the point that now he thinks, things have changed too much and it’s probably better to just….let him go.

_There is nothing there to let go of…_

That thought alone destroys him all over again on a whole new level. But that’s the thing with life, people come and go, sadly. Even the ones you thought you’d never lose.

Nobody else ever spoke of the sudden decline in their relationship. Perhaps nobody was courageous enough to bring it up, or maybe they had failed to notice. Stress and worries inhabited them all from time to time and it was perfectly acceptable to put their failing bond down to those things.

Except Seungcheol knew different.

After his disastrous attempt to reign Jihoon in on project 17, things had become strained between them. Seungcheol never wanted to deal with the situation in that manner anyway, but the producers of the show, their manager at the time and some of the group members had pressured him, as their _leader_ , to use that opportunity to flesh out the issue of Jihoon’s poor temper.

Despite their show of conciliation for the cameras, Jihoon’s attitude had not improved, and now, he no longer trusted Seungcheol either. He grew embittered towards the older boy’s tactless approach to heal a rift- he had not even been aware of, and publically too.

Seungcheol gave him time to cool down, He’s doesn’t want to talk to him when he’s angry, or else he’ll share with him the realist truth, a truth they might both end up regretting.

So when he eventually tries to confront him again, privately this time, because he loves him- when he finished, Jihoon said nothing for the span of several minutes. And then he said, haltingly, "Ok Seungcheol, I will try harder"

"Ok….good" Seungcheol had said.

But Jihoon wouldn't meet his eyes.

And that was when it happened, when they began to become _strangers_ to each other. That was the highest price Seungcheol paid for being a leader, except- that it wasn't a price he _ever_ wanted to pay at all — it was the price that was yanked from him, their bond unravelling before him, Jihoon staying later and later at the studio, Seungcheol stopping by to chill less and less, till the awkward drawn out silence encouraged him to never show up at all without the others.

 “Jicheol!” The fans sang, “Hug!” they requested. And Seungcheol spares a quick glance over to their smallest member, who visibly tenses at the suggestion of physical contact with him.

“Let’s get this over with yeah” he says quietly, as he approaches Jihoon on the stage, he says what he thinks Jihoon wants to hear.

“Yeah….ok” he heard Jihoon whisper glumly, he tenses as Seungcheol hugs him, hardly returning the gesture.

_God he can’t even stand to be near me…_

“Jeong-Cheol” the fans shout after and Seungcheol is relieved to break the awkward embrace, it destroys him to distance himself from Jihoon but the reprieve from the fans is a welcome distraction from their combined awkwardness around each other. He moves quickly to hug the other member of their group.

His skinship with Jeonghan was popular, it pleased the fans and was very easy to maintain, especially when Jeonghan, unlike Jihoon, was very tractable. But it’s _fake._ As with most things in his life as an idol, the artificiality came easily to him. Maintaining the illusion of happiness, love and friendship is always easy. Actually being happy, in love and friends- _is not_. Jihoon was a testament to that.

Jihoon’s left an invisible mark on his memory, one that can’t be erased permanently, but can’t be refreshed in his mind either. Why was it so hard to remember their sweet moments together? Was it because true happiness, unlike this pain he felt now, left no scar. Nothing for him to heal from.

When do you let that person go? How will you know? Maybe when you feel more in love with the memory of them, who they used to be and what they used to mean to you, then who they are now. Those years when they were close and linked fondly, felt like brief beautiful moments, the last six months, with their ever growing distance, felt like it was drawing out an eternity of emotionlessness.

“Good work, good work boys!” Their manager cheers as they skip of the stage onto the awaiting bus. They sit in groups, comfortably and quietly away from the shutters of the camera lens. “To celebrate the end of promotions, we’re throwing you a party back in the dorm!” the manager announces happily, elating the group.

Moments like this were so rare. They could unwind and relax, blissfully after a successful schedule of promotions and TV appearances. The boys conversed excitedly amongst each other on the drive back to the dorm, Seungcheol sat at the back, between Minyu and Wonwoo, listening in to their cheery discussions absently as his gaze rooted on Jihoon, who sat alone next to their manager at the front of the bus.

His posture was slumped, lethargic and he failed to cheer at the announcement of the party, opting instead to put headphones on and continue the journey in silence.

Once they filtered out of the bus and entered the dorms he had made a beeline straight to his room, disappearing from sight. Seungcheol sighed, and rolled his shoulders. Jihoon’s lack of enthusiasm for the party would no doubt mean he was not planning to attend. Which in turn meant, Seungcheol would not enjoy it. Despite their coolness towards each other, and despite Jihoon’s overt shyness, for Seungcheol-Jihoon was the life and soul of the party.

Jihoon was motion, Seungcheol thought. Every time he visited him in the studio, he was on the move, pacing around, penning lyrics, producing or fiddling with yet another track he’s spent sleepless nights working on. In his absence the air was heavy and still. It’s ironic, how he feels most alive when he’s around Jihoon-the boy who’s buried him 6ft under, covered in soil and trying to claw his way out.

He reappeared a few hours later, a change of clothes but the same somber expression. Seungcheol watched as he moved towards him, and thought momentarily that he was coming to him, to speak to him. And he allowed himself to think, stupidly, that they would talk, drink and laugh, clear this all up. But Jihoon’s gaze was focused on the floor, he was planning on leaving without saying another word, so Seungcheol reached for his arm, gripping it as he passed.

“Where are you going? To the studio?” Seungcheol asked quietly.

“Yeah” Jihoon replied, gaze fixed to the floor.

“Why? We’re trying to celebrate. What could you possibly have to work on that can’t wait a few days?” Seungcheol questioned, focusing on the hand in his grip for Jihoon would not look him in the eye.

Jihoon just shrugged weakly in response. He was no longer putting effort into his excuses for avoiding the older boy.

“Honestly Jihoon……I don’t know what to say to you anymore” Seungcheol said with a resigned slump of his shoulders.

“You don-“ Jihoon started to say, then he watched Jihoon go quiet

“Cheol-Hyung!!” Jeonghan interrupted, stepping up behind Seungcheol, slinging an arm over his shoulder and swaying against him. “Sssyou aren’t drinking enough….drink with mee….all these kidsss are lightweights….I need a reaal challenge from a reall man!” Jeonghan slurred tipsily, draping his body over their leader.

“Think you have had enough to drink, maybe you should go lie down Jeonghan” Seungcheol advised, tilting his head away from the boozy breath.

“Onnly if you come wiith me!” Jeonghan joked.

"Hfff!" Jihoon huffed, and his glance of disdain towards Jeonghan was vorpal quick, almost too fast to really catch. Then he headed immediately for the exit. Seungcheol watching him a confused expression on his face.

“Wass hiss problem…..hey JOSHUA….why aren’t you drinkin….drinnk with meee!” Jeonghan moved to whine elsewhere.

Seungcheol watched him walk out, the air going still again in his absence. Jihoon wasn’t going to help dig him out, he wasn’t going to come save Seungcheol because he was laid buried in the ground right next to him. But that was fine. Jihoon was still young and still learning and Seungcheol was beginning to realize, it was up to him to dig them both out.

……………………………………………………

It was very possible that Jihoon was having a midlife crisis. Most people are likely to have one around the 45 year mark, and with an increased stress and pressure of the daily toll, it has become acceptable to have a mid-life crisis in your late 30’s.

You could have one, as it turned out, when you were freshly twenty and you were holed up in a small recording room in your studio, sobbing your heart out and wondering how every decision in your still young, seemingly miserable existence had led to this point and where any of this was going to go.

He retreated from the party, running in desperation on shaky legs and when he’s in the safety of the recording room, when his back slumps against the closed door, Jihoon starts crying- _hard_.

It was painful-the realisation that dawned on him earlier, he felt trapped, claustrophobic even. Death would have been a mercy, he thinks, allowing himself that fleeting melodramatic moment. Embracing the sweet relief of death because you could not imagine existing without that certain someone in your life.

An hour later he's still crying when he hears a gentle tap on the studio room door, before it’s pushed open quietly.

 _‘Oh god…who is it’_ He thinks, he has enough problems in his life as it is.

“Yoooohoo..Jihoonie, you in here?” Seungkwan’s voice sings out from the adjacent room, and Jihoon scrambles for tissues in a monumental struggle to try hide his tears.

“Y-yeah” He tries to sound as airy and nonchalant as possible, but struggling to control the hitch in his breathing.

 “Hiya Hyung, sorry to bother you, I just wanted to borrow a CD, if I have to listen to anymore of Vernon’s rap collection I will blow my brains out!” Seungkwan shouts in from the other room.

Jihoon gulps back a shaky breath and wipes the tears off his face quickly “Y-eah ok….no problem”

“Why aren’t you at the party? You work too hard Hyung, you should tak-“ Seungkwan stopped at the entrance of the studio, startled at the sight of the smaller boy, eyes rimmed with tears and cheeks blotchy from crying.

“Oh god….Jihoon, are you ok? Have you been crying?” Seungkwan asked rushing to his side.

“No…it’s nothing really…I’m just tired…I’m fine Seungkwan, just being silly” Jihoon sniffed, plastering a false smile on his face.

“I don’t believe that for a second….please tell me what’s wrong…..who’s upset you? What has upset you?” Seungkwan pleads, kneeling down next to him, a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

“Nobody….it’s just me….I’ve just realized something and…it…it’s so stupid…..it hurts” He whimpers, hiding his face in his sleeve.

“What have you realised….what?” Seungkwan asks, trying to stay measured but concerned at what could possibly be distressing Jihoon to this degree.

Jihoon whimpers quietly for a few moments as Seungkwan soothes a hand over his shoulder.

“Tell me anything Jihoon….I promise, nothing will leave this studio, you have my word!” Seungkwan promised him.

It seems to be enough reassurance for Jihoon to open up a little, to share his misery “I realized that I have feelings for …..somebody …..but… it’s too late. It’s……crazy..but….it hurts” he sobs, wiping thick tears with the sleeve of his oversized jumper.

“Really? When you say…feelings…..do you mean…like…love feelings?” Seungkwan probes tentatively.

Jihoon looks him in the eye, then drops his gaze to where his hands are wringing his sleeves into knots and nods his head.

“Wow….well……do I know them? Is it me?” He jokes, because that’s the only reaction he knows in the face of something so intense. It at least rewards him with a small huff of laughter from Jihoon and an unnecessary shake of his head.

“I do love you Boo, but no offence….never like that….Eww” Jihoon jokes back.

“Ok, well that _Eww_ wasn’t necessary but I’ll let you off this time!” Seungkwan says in mock indignation. “Why do you think it’s crazy? This feeling……I mean….why do you think it’s too late?” Seungkwan asks.

“It just… **is**. I’ve only realised this…now and….It’s been…years in the making. But….it’s already crumbled away…so that’s why it’s too late” Jihoon said, misery lining his face once more.

Seungkwan shook his head “Don’t say that Jihoonie….…..it’s _never_ too late” Seungkwan says, surprised at how well he was managing his shock at Jihoon’s honest confession. It's a measure of how long and how well they've worked together, Seungkwan’s dramatics notwithstanding, that Jihoon feels comfortable enough, or perhaps, desperate enough to use Seungkwan as a sounding board.

Seungkwan briefly wonders who Jihoon would have talked to before he came along, maybe he wouldn’t have talked to anyone. Why wasn’t he talking to Seungcheol-hyung about this, they’ve known each other the longest after all and….. ** _wait._**

"Jihoon?" Seungkwan asks seriously.

"What..?" Jihoon manages through a painful hiccupping sob.

“It’s Seungcheol-Hyung….isn’t it.”

He doesn’t answer, but the fresh wave of tears pouring out is evidence enough. There was nowhere to hide, if Seungkwan could see it so clearly, Seungcheol must have been able to see how Jihoon has fallen for him too. Fallen hard. Whereas Seungcheol traipses on with his life, not a care in the world or for the destruction of the heart he has left behind.

“How………..how long have you felt this way Jihoonie?” Seungkwan asked, cupping his tear stricken face.

“I don’t…I don’t know. I don’t remember when. I never thought about it. Then at the Q+A session after the fan-meet, when that girl asked me, how do I write such beautiful songs about love without ever having been in a relationship …..the first thing that came to my mind …was him” Jihoon sobbed, open and unashamed.

“Jihoonie….you need to share this…you can’t…cant keep this locked up. You need to tell Seungcheol!” Seungkwan begs him.

“NO….no….I can’t…..don’t be stupid Boo…..there is nothing there…it’s just me. Seungcheol is never going to feel that way….that’s why this is so stupid” Jihoon cries, his small body heaving with another sob.

“He needs to know… he might return those feelings…if you sit on this… it will eat you up inside” Seungkwan said.

Jihoon shook his head in refusal. Either Seungkwan is telling him what he wants to hear, or he’s as deaf, dumb and blind as the rest of them and failed to notice their disconcerting coolness towards eachother. "I'm not going to tell him, I didn’t share this with you so you could dangle it in front of me….I don’t want your help….I’ve dealt with it on my own so far and I will continue to deal with it" Jihoon says finally.

"Are you though? Look at you? Are you..dealing with it…..you’re breaking apart hyung…plea-"

"Just…leave me alone Seungkwan" Jihoon says, forcing himself to stay calm and focus on…not crying…definitely not crying anymore about a guy he’s fallen hard for. Seungkwan regards him sympathetically for a moment, he stands up, looking back over at his heartbroken friend.

“Look….do you want me to speak to Seungcheol about this?” he asks.

“Speak to me about what?” Seungcheol asks suddenly from the doorway.

They both whipped their head around. And Jihoon’s breath faltered at the sight of Seungcheol standing at the entrance of the room, face terse and composed.

 “H-Hyung…..how long have you been standing there for?” Seungkwan asks, face stiff with shock.

Seungcheol looks past Seungkwan to the boy sitting on the floor, face streaked with tears“Long enough”

Jihoon hears his answer, dies a little inside and instinctively runs into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him. Seungkwan watches him go then whips his head back over to Seungcheol, standing casually at the doorway.

“Couldn’t you have just… pretended not to hear that?” Seungkwan asks, narrowing his eyes a little at their leader.

“No”

“He’s up-

“Get out” Seungcheol motions to Seungkwan, jerking his thumb towards the exit.

“What? What about Jihoon” Seungkwan hesitates.

“I'm here now.....I’m taking care of him” Seungcheol assures him “Seungkwan….I’m not going to say it again” he gestures to the door and Seungkwan scrambles for the exit under his intense glare. He turns in the doorway to give a word of advice, but Seungcheol shoves him out before he can speak and locks the door behind him.

…………………………….

There were certain qualities expected of a leader, maturity, wisdom, authority. Seungcheol had them all, he was driven and focused, that was always what the superiors and staff had said about his attitude, they commended him for it often.

There were other parts too, about being a leader, compassion, encouragement and balancing subjectivity. An approachable leader who remained neutral at times of conflict, that was important. But it was Seungcheol’s inescapable character flaw, that he was too subjective when it came to certain individuals- because although he could think straight when it concerned the other members, thinking about Jihoon still made Seungcheol want to curl his fist around something to put pressure against the ache.

Maintaining his distance may have _seemed_ like a great game plan a few months ago. It _seemed_ like the right thing to do as a leader. But now it just marked ignorance, and the last time Seungcheol let himself be ignorant, he’d said the wrong thing at the wrong time and nearly lost the most important person in the world to him. So fuck the status quo--how about that.

There was an eventide hush to the studio, now that Seungkwan had left and it was just him, Jihoon and the bathroom door between them. Seungcheol could hear the constant hitches and hiccups of breath that usually accompanied sobbing, so quiet and precise that they sliced through the silence like little knives.

Seungcheol gives it ten minutes, takes his jacket off, stretches his arms, cracks his neck, fiddles through the track selection on the computer and selects a soothing playlist. Then he stands and moves towards the bathroom door, presses his ear against the wood and listens.

Jihoon who has hunkered down in the corner furthest from the door, lifts his head up. He can make out the faint sound of music drifting under the doorframe. Then he hears Seungcheol speak.

“Yo Jihoonie….I hope you’re not trying to flush yourself down the toilet in there or something, It’s not going to work.….I know there are no windows for you to jump out of so you’re stuck in there if you’re going to try and avoid me…., that’s the only way I can think of you achieving it, cause I’m not leaving.” He says, loud enough to travel through the thick wooden door but relaxed enough to hope it doesn’t come out sounding like a threat.

Jihoon isn't about to respond to Seungcheol’s relaxed attitude, especially when he considers the magnitude of his revelation. “GO AWAY!” Jihoon yells back

“Didn’t I _just_ say I wasn’t leaving....guess I better make myself comfortable. Where do you hide your snacks?” Seungcheol asks, looking around the room.

Jihoon lets his eyes droop and thinks life is unfair. He doesn't want to feel anything for Seungcheol, he doesn't want to be so fucking pathetic. He doesn't want the cramping in his stomach every time he thinks of him. Here it comes again that awful cramping…ughhh.

 “I DON’T WANT TO TALK!” Jihoon yells again

Seungcheol sighed, dropping his forehead against the door “I’m tired Jihoonie…..aren’t you tired?”

“Then go home!” Jihoon snaps

“No…I’m tired of this…. **us** …I’m tired of you pushing me away. All I ever wanted…..” his voice becomes inaudible as he mumbles something against the door and Jihoon strains his ear to listen. He waits a moment then scoots closer to the door and presses his ear against it, unbeknown to him that Seungcheol is doing the exact same thing on the other side.

“Jihoonie?” Seungcheol calls out and the proximity and clarity of the voice startles him, he jerks his head back from the door.

He wanted to say ' _Yes-Hyung',_ but his tongue was made of nettles and all he can manage is a whimper.

“Jihoonie, It’s ok….. I’ve decided. I’m tired of waiting….. I’m making the decisions from now on…. for the both of us. Firstly-You’re going to open this door, Second- We’re going to hug it all out and we’re going to tell each other _everything_ ……and Thirdly….I’m going to kiss you”

Jihoon’s stomach aches, but it’s not cramping this time, it’s different. It would be so easy to ignore the quiet content sigh on the other side of the door, to pretend like he hasn’t heard Seungcheol’s words, but the fluttering in his stomach tells him otherwise.

So he wipes his cheeks, stands up, takes a deep breath and opens the door.

 ……………………………………..

“We only have time for one more question please!” The MC announced “Yes, you with the massive forehead at the front, what’s your question”

“I’d like to pose this question to Woozi please! The title track of your new album was beautiful, it really resonated with me, I wanted to know, was it written about anyone in particular? Where did you find the inspiration for such a beautiful song?” the fan asked.

Jihoon smiled and thanked her for the question. ‘ _There is only one acceptable answer I’ve been trained to give_ ’ He thought miserably. But every now and then, the real answer would hit him all over again, like the first time- the truth behind the inspiration. That’s one thing the fan’s missed. The answer is there in every lyric of the song, it’s clear as day-right under their noses.

His eyes meet Seungcheol’s across the stage and they share a knowing smile. “It’s about our fans the Carats of course!”

You didn't have to have a breadth of experience as a boyfriend or a lover to write a love song. You could be Lee Jihoon, cold and distant, and with that one precious person in your life. You’d get there all the same.


End file.
